


Dear Cas,

by Cozzdog



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-02 22:41:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cozzdog/pseuds/Cozzdog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a little ficlet I thought I'd write up, basically it is the letters that Dean continues to write to Cas after the events in the Epilogue of twist & Shout, if it gets enough positive feedback I may continue on. I have lots of ideas to continue on with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginnings.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Twist and Shout](https://archiveofourown.org/works/537876) by [gabriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabriel/pseuds/gabriel), [standbyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/standbyme/pseuds/standbyme). 



**1982**

_Dear Cas,_

_I'm still trying to cope with losing you, it’s barely outside of a week since your funeral and I'm missing you like crazy. I went to the beach the other day, not our beach though. I'm hoping that this new beach will help me move on from what we once were, the hand fate dealt us. It isn't fair that you left me alone like this, but I can’t blame you. It wasn't your fault. If I wasn't so scared of hurting you, scared that you would leave me because I was a broken shell of a man, maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way. Maybe we could've gotten our home in the country, with the white picket fence. You could've finished your medical degree, become a doctor. I could've focussed on helping you in your studies, winning whatever races I could to help you pay for it._

_This is all my fault Cas. I should have stayed with you, I should have known better. You would never have left me because I was broken. You would have stayed by my side, kept me sane. Helped me through the nightmares that still haunt me. I wish I could go back, to the day I ran away, and stopped myself. Take a good long look in the mirror and realised what I would be leaving behind, who I was leaving behind. You were the best thing to have ever happened to me, Cas. I wish I had seen it before it was too late._

_I decided to move away, out of our old apartment. I needed to get away for a while. I found a place near Sam and Jess’ house. I've become a regular babysitter for those two, would you believe it. Abigail adores me, she’s growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday that she was just being born, a beautiful 7 1/2 pound bundle of joy. You would've loved her, Cas, her laugh reminds me of yours. The little giggle that breaks my heart every time, knowing that you'll never get to hear the sound of her voice, or see her grow old. It hurts to know that I will never be able to raise a child with you, never see you walking down the aisle, or see you standing at the end of one, on the day of our wedding. It hurts, Cas, more than I can bare right now, and I just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away, I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing._

_I will keep my promise to you, Cas, I will keep on writing these letters to you. Hopefully one day, I'll find it in my heart to forgive myself for what I allowed to happen to you, for what I caused._

_Dean._


	2. War Memorial

**1983**

_Dear Cas,_

_I haven’t written to you for the past year and a half, I didn't know what to say. I'm still barely managing to get through every day without you here. Your warm blue eyes comforting me, and your loving smile brightening the room._

_I went on a road trip with Sam for two weeks, after a little discussion with Jess. She finally let him tag along. Our destination was Washington DC, the Vietnam War Memorial Wall. When we arrived in DC, Sam went off to do his own thing, much to his disappointment. He said I shouldn't do this alone, but I couldn't let him see me like that. I walked along the massive wall of names, built with such delicacy, the reflective surface showed me my sobbing face when I came across the name I was looking for. Adam Milligan, the young man who I swore to get home. I sat there for about 3 hours, Cas, crying for the boy who died so young, all because of the idiots in my platoon. Sam eventually came looking for me, and saw me sitting down with my face in my palms. He helped me stand, pulling me onto my feet and wrapped his arms around me, holding me in a tight embrace. He held me there for a while, just trying to calm me down. He knows who Adam was now, after finally managing to talk to someone about it. I just wish I had talked to you about it, Cas. I wish I opened up and let you see the cracks within, so you could help ease my pain. Help me through it, before it was too late._

_I finally finished moving all my stuff into my new place the other day. I made sure I kept your record player in the living room, with all your vinyls, so I can listen to Elvis whenever I want. Cause you know, I can dig Elvis. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all your stuff. I still have some of your clothes here, they still smell like you. I miss you man, I miss you so much. So much that I feel like re-enlisting in the army. I'm tired of being alone, I need something to fill the void. But I don’t think I’m cut out for it anymore Cas._

_I promise you that I will write more, I can’t keep putting it off. I need to tell someone, anyone, about everything going on in my head, and who better than you, Cas?_

_Dean_


	3. Good News!

**< 3 Months Later**

_Dear Cas,_

_I've got some good news man! Well actually, two things. First, Sam and Jess are expecting another baby! I found out the other day and Abigail is over the moon with the idea of having a little brother or sister to play with. I had to sit down with her and tell her that they wouldn't be able to play house or dolls with her until they got a bit older, but she couldn't understand. Jess is over the moon with joy, Sam too of course. They’re gonna have their hands full with a newborn and Abigail. She’s getting to that stage where she wants to be a part of everything, she wants to touch everything and taste everything. She can be exhausting to baby-sit sometimes. I wish you were here to help me out. I think you would've been great with her, Cas._

_The other good news is that I got a big race coming up next month, over in Louisiana. I'm pumped for it man, I wish you could be here cheering on in the crowd, I'll dedicate it to you; my last race on a motorbike. I'll make sure to win it, for you. I found a car, a ‘67 Chevy Impala, she’s a beauty Cas. She needs a lot of work though; some new tires, a new engine and frame work to name a few, it's going to take a while but I'm going to fix her up. We could've taken her up to the beach, driven around for hours, listening to Elvis over the sound of her purrs. I figured out what I'm going to do, Cas. I'm gonna become a mechanic. There's a course opening up over at Kansas University, I guess I'll enrol there and start studying. Once I finish my course I can settle down and buy myself a house somewhere, maybe find myself a girl. Keep suspicions low, you know? I'm sure I'll figure something out, Cas._

_I'll write to you again very soon, I promise._

_Dean_


	4. A New Friend

**2 Months Later**

_Dear Cas,_

_My big race was the other day, the one I dedicated to you. I won it, of course, but not by much. The racer behind me lost control of his motorbike and crashed into the sidelines, he wasn’t too badly injured but it made me realise just how dangerous it is out there. It made me glad that this was my last race. I got ten grand for winning, Cas. Ten grand. That’s going towards the mechanics course at KU. I can’t wait to start it. To learn even more about how engines work, to be able to fix up cars, my impala, our impala._

_After I finished at the race I went out for something to eat and to clear my mind. I met a guy, his name was Benny. He was really kind to me, Cas, he was the manager of the diner. I hadn’t ordered for an hour since I got there, and he walked past me with a walkman headphone in one ear and turned to me asking if he could get me anything. I hadn’t decided what I wanted yet so I asked him what he was listening to, trying to steer the conversation away. Elvis. Of all the things he could’ve listened to it had to be Elvis. He noticed I went quiet after that, so he told me he was going to me food, on the house. He was gone 10 minutes and when he got back I was still looking over the menu. He placed the tray down in front of me and I broke down, Cas. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Benny had brought out a tray with fries and two milkshakes on it. Cas, do you remember our first date? I did, and it showed. He comforted me through the tears, and asked what was wrong. I told him everything, from the party where we met, to the first date, followed by the war and what happened. I told him about you, and how you had died. He was really caring and understanding, always showing interest in what I was saying without judging. Half way through the story, he excused himself and took the tray away. He brought out a cheeseburger and wedges instead. He sat with me most of the night and listened to my problems. It’s fair to say I think I’ve made a new friend._

_I’m planning on staying in Louisiana for a few more weeks, just to get to know Benny a bit more. He’s one of the nicest people I’ve met in a while, Cas. I think I need the distraction from my life right now._

_I’ll write to you soon,_

_Dean._


	5. Baby

**2 Weeks Later**

_Dear Cas,_

_I arrived home safely after my trip to Louisiana and I feel happier than I have in quite some time, Benny decided he’d come back and stay with me for a while. Nothing permanent, but he said he needed a change of scenery, and he figured he’d stay with a friend. Sam and Jess invited us over for dinner the other night, with some news. News that reduced me to tears. They told me that they were arguing over names for their baby, after finding out Jess was having a boy. They told me they had finally reached an agreement with a name. Adam Castiel Winchester. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe they decided to honor two of the most important people in my life like this. I have never felt this much joy over something as simple as a baby’s name._

_Benny has been here for less than a week but I’m hoping he’ll decide to stay longer. I really enjoy having his company. He helps keep me sane through all this nonsense that I’ve been going through with my nightmares about the war, and hurting you the way I did. He’s providing some much needed comfort and I’m glad I met him. But it’s bad, Cas. I think I’m starting to fall for him, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t love someone after what I did to you, I don’t deserve to. Benny deserves much better than me, someone who won’t break everything he touches, because that’s what I do, Cas. I break things. Everything that I’ve ever loved I’ve let down, and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t deserve the love that he’s providing after everything I did to us. I just don’t._

_I’ll write to you soon,_

_Dean._


End file.
